Ramblings of the confused

I can't believe that it's coming up on the one-year anniversary of Sabrina's death. http://bluesilverkdg.livejournal.com/2008/08/19/

I still sometimes can't believe that she's gone and I still miss her so much. But it's weird. I adopted Trouble shortly after she passed away, not to "replace" her, but just because I felt that I needed to. General was literally mourning himself sick, and I felt this incredible void that just had to be filled. Misty and Oreo still both rue the day I brought him home, and neither of them can really even tolerate him, but they didn't care so awfully much for Sabrina either, so what else is new.

The reason I bring up Trouble, however, is that I firmly believe that Sabrina's spirit somehow inhabited him. In other words, I think, when I went to the Washington County Humane Society that fateful day, I didn't choose him as much as he chose me.

I wanted a holding kitty. What I mean by that is, General likes to hop up on my lap, and the girls will occasionally snug with me if I'm sitting or lying down. But none of the three like me to pick them up and hold them. Sabrina, however, would've probably happily lived in my arms 24/7 if it had been practical. She loved for me to carry her around and would curl up in a little ball underneath my chin and just stay there, purring like a baby kitten. The day I went to the shelter, I was specifically looking for a kitty that wanted to, and enjoyed being held. I picked up every cat there, I think. Some of them tolerated being held, some of them seemed to genuinely enjoy it, while others wriggled out of my arms almost immediately. Trouble (who was at that time called Tiger) melted into my arms just like Sabrina used to do. And he stayed there. Eventually I turned him over so that I was holding him on his back like a baby, and he fell asleep. I sat at the animal shelter for about half an hour and let him sleep while I held him, and it was at that time that I realized I needed him as much as he needed me.

Fast forward one year, the resemblances between Trouble and Sabrina are remarkable. They share some of the same crazy traits that no other cat I've ever had, will do. Case in point: plastic shopping bags. Used to be, whenever I'd bring in bag of groceries, Sabrina would stick her head and feet through the armholes of the bag and walk around the house like Superman in his cape. She'd do this for 15-20 minutes, until she tired of it, then she'd wiggle back out and I'd put the bag away. Recently, I was putting up groceries, and forgot one of my bags on the floor. A little later, I was watching TV in bed when I heard a crinkling sound coming up the stairs. I swear, it was Trouble wearing one of my shopping bags.

You want another weird example? I just recently got a hula hoop (unfortunately not one of the weighted dance/exercise hoops like I was wanting, but it does the trick.) It was laying in the middle of my bedroom floor the other day when I noticed Trouble snoozing inside it. Guess who else used to sleep in my hula hoop?

Everyone used to say that Sabrina looked like a lion. She didn't have a typical "cat nose" sort of turned up at the end. Her nose sort of pointed downward, more like a C-shape. Trouble has almost the exact same nose.

It's eerie how much he reminds me of her. Oh, and there's of course, the fact that from day one, he made torturing Oreo his mission in life. Sabrina also used to enjoy this. I just have to think this is all more than coincidence. I'm a big believer that things happen for a reason, and like I said, I'm pretty sure that there was a big reason Trouble and I found each other that day.

On August 19, it will be one year that I lost Sabrina. I still grieve for her almost every day and find myself tearing up when I see pictures of her. I think most of you were on my friends list last year when she died, but if you were not, or don't remember, she passed away under anasthesia while having her teeth cleaned. One of her teeth had actually fallen out, which is what precipitated our visit to the vet. Upon arriving, I was told that she had Stage 3 periodonatal disease that needed immediate attention. She needed to have the hole stitched up where the tooth had fallen out, and the others needed cleaning. Sabrina had asthma from the time she was a kitten. I was concerned about her going under anasthesia, since she was asthmatic, but I was assured every precaution would be taken. However, on the operating table, she stopped breathing, had a heart attack and was dead in the span of a few minutes. I got to the animal hospital three minutes after she died, and I'd also made the decision to leave her there overnight, rather than taking her home with me, then taking her back the next morning for the surgery/cleaning. I still have not totally forgiven myself for that decision...the fact that she spent her last night alive in a strange place, in a cage, with cats she did not know, rather than sleeping in my bed with me. I know that logically, I had no way of knowing she wouldn't be coming home the next day, but all honesty, I did have a really bad feeling. I just knew something was going to happen, so I still blame myself for not bringing her home that night.

OK, well, this has just been depressing. As if there wasn't enough depressing stuff going on already. But the good thing is, I do believe with every ounce of my being that Trouble was brought to me to fill the void that Sabrina had left, and he has done so in spades.

Well, because I needed a bit more stress in my life, Sabrina decided to provide me with some. I noticed last night that she had something on her lip. Until this morning, however, I did not realize that it was her tooth.

Her long fang tooth on the lefthand side had come dislodged and was curved up over her lip. She looked like a sabre-toothed tiger with only one sabre. Or a punk cat with a lip piercing. Either way, I knew there was no way that could be good. So I did some googling and found out that a loose or missing tooth can be the result of periodontal disease, and is a Very Bad Thing. By this morning, the dislodged tooth had actually come out and was laying next to her on the couch. I just got back from the vet, where they're going to keep her overnight to do a dental cleaning, start her on antibiotics and stitch up the hole left by said tooth. She *seems* in good enough spirits. Mad as can be, at the indignity of being put in a carrier and having to ride in a car, but when I left her she was just meowing angrily at me. I'm sure I was being cursed mightily.

I'm trying not to panic and/or freak out. But some of you may remember, she is my asthmatic kitty. In order to clean her teefs, they have to sedate her. As you might expect, these two things together can cause issues although the vet assures me that, of course, they will be monitoring her breathing very closely while she's under. Still...she's my baby. Literally, she is the baby of the family. Yet, she is ten years old. All four of my kitties are in double digits now. General will be twelve in January.

Having to sign the release form stating that I understood the risks associated with sedation, including possible death, brought back a flood of memories from signing the release for Dexter saying that I consented to have him put to sleep. It was hard to hold it together, thinking of what I was signing. I know it's standard procedure, but still..

So, that's pretty much been my day. I could think of ways I'd rather have spent it, but I'm glad to be getting this taken care of. The vet did verify that she has stage two periodontal disease. That's two out of four. So, not nearly as bad as it could be, but worse than it oughta be. But she said otherwise, she does look to be in good health. They're going to give her a thorough dental exam in the morning to make sure she doesn't have any other afflicted teeth, but if she does, I've given them permission to pull them before they also fall out. I just hate that she's going to be a snaggle-tooth, but they assured me that it should not affect her eating or anything else. I know some of you have cats with pulled teeth. Have you found this to be the case? Needless to say, I'm worried about her (a lot), but I'm trying not to think of the "what ifs" and just wait until tomorrow morning when I know something more definitive.

In the meantime, I decided to re-examine their diet after my post last week about General yacking up his food. I went by the natural pet foods store on my way home. They gave me samples of Wellness, Taste of the Wild and Innova cat foods. Thus far, General has turned his nose up at the Wellness, but Oreo seems to be enjoying it. Misty is sleeping somewhere and hasn't partaken yet. I got them a little pouch of shredded, dehydrated chicken treats. It's supposedly just cooked chicken, dehydrated into bits. General very much enjoyed playing with it and batting the pieces around the kitchen, but I'm not sure if he actually ate any of it. So, I think I can draw the conclusion that my cats prefer crap. If I put down Friskies treats, he'd be all over them. My cats like junk food, apparently.

Please send good thoughts, prayers, what have you, to Sabrina. I'm trying really hard not to cry and worry, but it's hard. She is my baby. I know a lot of you pet lovers relate.
I stopped by the library on my way in, because I had four books to pick up. I'm going to just hole up in my bedroom and read tonight, and pretend that she's not gone. I'm sitting on the couch right now, and the fact that she's not sleeping next to me is wrong. The house seems so weird without her here..