(no subject)

[bluesilverkdg]

Yesterday at my uncle's funeral, I saw my aunt, his wife, bound to a wheelchair. (Yes, I'm just a flippin' ray of sunshine lately, aren't I?) My aunt had always been incredibly active and healthy, and I remember her as a large woman who would smother you with her hugs. She cleaned houses for a living, and kept her own house so spotless I was afraid to let a speck of dust fall on the floor. She was always up busying around, either cleaning, cooking or just...doing something. I'm not sure when she had to start relying on a wheelchair, and I'm not totally sure what has confined her to it. She shakes a lot, and looks almost like she could have Parkinson's Disease, although I'm not sure if that's the diagnosis. But I do know that she cannot walk at all, and had to be lifted from the van to the wheelchair at the graveside, and then wheeled to my uncle's casket.

However, in spite of her physical limitations, at the age of 90, she is still sharp as a tack. I could not tell you the last time I saw her. I was probably in my 20s, I'd imagine, yet she still remembered me (even though the last time she saw me I was sporting light blonde hair.) She remembered my mother and all her siblings, and recognized lots of other relatives at the funeral. Her speech is a bit slurred, but she's still understandable, and "all there", mentally you might say.

On the other hand, I also spent some time with my grandmother this weekend. She is 92, and has been basically losing every little bit that is left of her mind over the past several years. She suffers from dementia (I say she "suffers", but I don't know for a fact that she IS suffering. She usually thinks that she is 15 years old, and while she sometimes does seem scared because she can't find her parents, that seemed to mostly be a happy time in her life.) She rambles incoherently, half sentences and words that make no sense and will often start to drift off to sleep mid-word. She doesn't usually recognize any of us, although she does have her moments. She seems to realize that I am "Kim", but I don't know who "Kim" is to her. For all I know, she could think I'm one of her classmates. She frequently thinks that my dad is her husband, who has been dead since 1969. She will often ask where someone is, even if they're sitting in the room with her. We have caregivers who come into her home every day to stay with her, and she has never realized that she just doesn't have a lot of company. On occasion, she becomes violent and combative, although these instances are blessedly infrequent.
But that brings up the point that she is capable of becoming violent. See, my grandmother, unlike my aunt, is still physically active and in basically good health. Yeah, she moves more slowly than she used to, but she can get around. She can dress herself, go get herself a snack, go to the bathroom, sit on the porch, walk around the yard, etc. I would hardly call her "spry", but she is mobile. She just doesn't have any idea what's going on the world around her, although she can maneuver around in it.

That got me to thinking, which would you rather give up? You can retain your physical health, but you must relinquish your mind. Or you can remain alert and aware, but be physically incapacitated. Which would you choose? I guess for me, it would all be a matter of HOW I gave up my mental abilities. If I could go to a happy place and stay there, even if it caused some confusion, I might just do it, in order to stay physically capable. But on the flipside, what if losing my mind meant a constant state of fear or paranoia? In that case, give me the wheelchair and let me stay alert. I don't know. That's a tough one, kind of like when someone asks "would you rather be blind or deaf?" The answer is obviously neither, but unfortunately, I know that it's rare for someone to reach the age that my aunt and my grandmother have achieved without letting go of one or the other.





So tell me...


[Poll #1231004]

Comments

[darcyzero.livejournal.com]

As hard as it would be, I'd probably have to give up my physical abilities. I just don't think I'd want to live if I didn't know what was going on around me or if I was in a constant state of confusion. That's just me though.

And, as we found out last week,....

[captainsblog.livejournal.com]

To view the answers to that poll, right-click the "view answers" link and choose "open in new tab." Annoying, but it seems to be the only thing that works until LJ fixes the damn bug.

[nothinganything.livejournal.com]

Dimentia is pretty much my least-favorite thing to deal with. For some reason I get incredibly angry when I see brilliant people "reduced" to this less-than-stellar state of mind. Picture Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes in that "YOU CUT OUT HIS BRAIN!" scene.
I told my Dad to try to treat his dimentia like an acid trip, and to remember that if he ever caught himself worrying like crazy about something, that there was nothing he needed to worry about because I'd probably already handled it. Then he started bitching about crab legs from an incident ten years before. My grandmother NEVER knew who I was. It wears me out. I know I'll probably be like that soon enough, and when that day comes, I'll go out the Aldous Huxley way.

[theldara.livejournal.com]

No question. I've been watching my phsyical abilites ebb and flow since I was 13-14. I am used to the physical, but it scares me shitless to think of losing my mental faculties. I face the very real evenutal reality of having to say g'bye to my mind (Alzhimer's and Dementia are both prevalant in both sides of my family, plus Fibromyalgia is none to kind on the brain), and that scares me. While not being able to physically care for myself would be VERY scary, as long as I didn't know my brain was going, I guess I could deal with it. The cruelty is though that you probably know your brain's going, and I think that terrifies me more than learning to live with phsyical handicaps would.

[baseballchica03.livejournal.com]

I'd give up my mental faculties. Because even though I'm not the most physical person in the world, I think having thoughts and being able to do nothing with them would be torture. Not being able to write or type, not being capable of holding a book in your hands. At some point, it's difficult for people to be able to understand you. Etc.

Dementia seems scary, the idea that you don't know what's going on around you and not being able to reason and the like. But at the same time, you don't quite realize that there's something horribly wrong, at least not to the extent of something like Parkinsons or ALS. It would suck in the very early stages, but I feel like it's more horrible for the people who love you and have to sit by and watch it. (Apart, of course, from the pain of "losing" say a long-dead spouse or child every single day.)

[angelsmom.livejournal.com]

The way I see it, if I lost the ability to remember and reason, I would never be able to enjoy the fact that I was still physically capable of maneuvering on my own. With a sound mind, I can still enjoy life, even if it takes a bit more effort.

[mpurple.livejournal.com]

i want to be in a better shape then the year before... until i kick the bucket! ;))

[aliciaf.livejournal.com]

I picked the first one - on the condition that I wasn't in pain. I can't speak for people who have lost their mental capabilities, but I know from seeing my Grandmother that it's not like you wake up one morning and your mental capacity is gone - it's gradual, and I think that would be terrifying.

Often I can't walk from one room to another for a purpose and still remember why I walked there. That freaks me out. Just imagine that 20x worse. That seems horrifying.

[macaholic.livejournal.com]

It is an unanswerable question. If it were to happen in a way I was not aware... I would rather give up my mind. But, if I am aware, I could not choose. The embarrassment of knowing what is coming would be just as bad as living with total physical disability. (though much more short term)

[bertho.livejournal.com]

I don't see an "off yourself, or get someone to do it for you" option.

My grandmother (mom's side) deteriorated mentally rather quickly after her husband died. Within a year, my dad and brothers had to go out to California to get her and most of her possessions and bring her back to live with us (only story I remember about the time beteween grandpa's death and her moving in with us was about her putting towels on the stove to dry them...). She was almost totally gone within two years. She had a bust of JFK, and she eventually decided that she had been married to him. She used to tell me all the time about what a great man her husband was.

My mom often tells us that if she ever gets that bad, to just hold a pillow over face. I don't think she really means it as a joke, and I know I wouldn't want to live like that, but I also don't think I could handle losing any sort of physical ability (though, that's a much more likely scenario for me, what with the diabetes and MS). Actually, I suppose I've got it good - I should still have the presence of mind when it's time to end it.

Wow, that sounds depressing. To leave you on an up note, the wife and I might have an addition to the family by the end of next year. :)

[bluesilverkdg.livejournal.com]

An addition by the end of next year? Adoption?? Congratuations! :-)

[bertho.livejournal.com]

We've had a few appointments to have tests done, and now we just have to schedule Tracy for surgery to have her tubes untied and fixed up. That'll probably happen before the end of August. With any luck, she could be pregnant by October. :)

[goodfoot08.livejournal.com]

An important condition for my answer is the stage of life this dilemma is posed. If I am really old, I go for clarity of mind over physical. If I am younger, I guess I go with loss of clarity. But that is for this ten minutes. I am sure I would change my mind in another ten.

[albinohognose.livejournal.com]

Yea, I think it's unanswerable as well.

Speaking of physical states though, how's your knee doing?

[bluesilverkdg.livejournal.com]

I just answered Jenn's comment. It was feeling OK (I actually played badminton at the cookout on Saturday), but I wore heels yesterday and was on it a lot, which I think sort of re-damaged what I did on Thursday. I'm going to get a brace before I try to run or anything again. Thanks for asking. :-)

[theavalanchec.livejournal.com]

to the which is worst poll, obviously i'd rather keep both, but I have to say i'd sooner be mentally capable, but physically handicapped.

My grandfather over in Malaysia had a stroke, and he's able to walk around and do things on his own, but he's EXTREMELY incoherant, and doesn't actually know if his actions are good or bad.

Plus, being mentally capable, you can still talk to people and live a very normal and typical life.

[aceofkittens.livejournal.com]

Your poll wording confuses me. Are you saying, which would be worse, A or B, or which choice would I pick for myself?

Choice B is a a LOT worse. I have seen it happen and I can't get into the details right now, but it's worse.

The worst thing is that you don't get that choice. My grandmother was *both* incapacitated physically *and* pretty much demented mentally.

[bluesilverkdg.livejournal.com]

I guess I was just saying, if you *could* choose, which would you? I know (unfortunately) that we don't get any choices like that. I've known plenty of people who had both their mind and their body fail them. After doing a lot of thinking, while I'd hate to give up the ability to move freely, losing my mental capacity would be worse, although certainly neither is something any of us wants. I just found it an odd juxtoposition, that in the course of two days, I observed two elderly relatives who had lost the control of one or the other, but not both, and that made me do a lot of thinking. That's all I was saying.

[bogartbabe78.livejournal.com]

After seeing my grandy "suffer" like she did being homebound for years and being pretty good mentally til her the very few last days..but unable to walk without pain that morphine couldn't even stop. I rather lose my mind, well that is if I can go to my happy place and stay.. . or at least give me the medical pot (yes I actually believe in medical pot after seeing what my grandmother went through daily.....last days type thing) then I would take the physical ...and remain in a happy place either way:-p

[passaddhi.livejournal.com]

This is like asking, "Would you rather slide forty feet down the edge of a razor blade, OR suck all the snot out of a dog's nose til his head caves in?"

Uhm, I'm gonna order the sea bass. How about you?

[bluesilverkdg.livejournal.com]

Well, it actually wasn't which would "rather", but on a worse or worse scale, which would be worser. :-) See?

Sea basssss. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...